“The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure” is simply the
most traumatizing, seizure inducing dribble to make its way to the big screen
in a very, very long time. Even the trailers, which ran before pretty much
every family film over the summer, didn’t disguise the fact that it was in the
same vein as ‘Teletubbies' and 'Thomas & Friends.' Instead of those creepy,
nonsensical, TV-tummy Teletubbies, we're stuck with Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie,
three Oogieloves who go on an adventure to find five golden balloons for Schluufy's
birthday. And yes, Schluffy just so happens to be a pink pillow.
Let's put it out there from the start, there is nothing
redeeming about "The Oogieloves." The movie is designed for at the
very oldest, preschoolers. Parents who tag along are brave for doing so and
will be bored or emotionally scarred in the first few minutes just like their
children. Intended to be the first interactive movie of its kind, "The
Oogieloves" lets kids sing, dance and cheer at particular times when cued
by flying butterflies and turtles. That is if it's okay with the grown-up
sitting the next seat over. The Oogieloves even tell the kids to ask for their
parents' permission before interacting with the film. Producer Kenn Viselman
got this what's proven to be an atrocious idea of kiddie audience interaction
from a screening of a Tyler Perry movie.
Even if you set your expectations low (and I'm talking
really low), there's nothing that can prepare you for "The Oogieloves in
the BIG Balloon Adventure." If you thought less than two minutes of the
trailer were hard to take in, try following 90 minutes of three most annoyingly
voiced spawns of Barney and Tinky Winky as they go on their biggest adventure
ever. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Sure we got three Barney spawns, but
be prepared for a red vacuum cleaner who has the hots for a talking window, a
sombrero spaceship and a bubble-blowing Cary Elwes. You kind of lose count of
how ridiculousness there is, because it never, ever stops.
Too much of "The Oogieloves" is repetitive, from
the annoying songs to Toofie constantly dropping its pants every couple of
minutes. Seeing the purple Oogielove drop his pants once is more than enough
and isn't in the least bit funny. We can only wish someone would save us the
agony and buy it a belt. The other two Oogieloves are a tad less obnoxious than
Toofie. Green Oogielove Goobie is a typical nerd who knows nothing except
science and the yellow one Zoozie doesn't do a whole lot of anything. The
majority of the movie is broken down into five parts to find each of the
magical balloons. Along the way, the trio come across Toni Braxton, Christopher
Lloyd, Cary Elwes and many other actors, who are looking for the lowest common
denominator of work in Hollywood. And it's same shtick over and over. A balloon
is stuck in the most ridiculous place possible (tied to the behind of a cow, caught
on an exhaust), together they come up with a plan, end up getting the balloon
regardless and do their Oogielove cheer that the audience is supposed to join
in on. How about NO!
It's pretty painful to see some really good actors lowering
themselves to "act" in "The Oogieloves." A few years ago,
Cary Elwes was hacking off his foot in "Saw" and now he's the bubble-blowing
cowboy, Bobby Wobbly. Chazz Palminteri goes from classics like "A Bronx
Tale" and "The Usual Suspects" to a man of disgusting
milkshakes. And Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd delivers a whole two lines
while whacking on some drums as Mr. Sombrero. Why? The characters are simply
there as temporary obstacle between the Oogieloves and the balloons. None of
the actors bothered to try for this paycheck and it's painstakingly obvious.
They're in the scenes to make big fools of themselves, rather than creating
memorable characters, which they are all know for in their field.
But as it the plot finds itself in tedious territory, the
so-called adventure in nothing short of boring. Without all the unnecessary
padding, "The Oogieloves" could've been summed down into a twenty
minute PBS episode. But there's neither one ounce of educational or
entertainment value. All director Matthew Diamond has on his mind is
choreography, not story, not substance or anything that gives audiences any
incentive to endure 90 minutes of some of the most excruciating moments in
recent cinema. Likewise, the screenplay screams cliche after cliche of
preschool tropes and pedestrian dialogue and lyrics that hurt the ears. At
least with the Oogieloves, you can at least understand what they're saying and
don't need a personal translator for that "uh-oh" gibberish.
Even for a movie made for preschoolers, there is too much
predictability in what's going to happen, which makes the filler material even
worse. A movie like "The Oogieloves" should be one where parents
should be happy to take their kids to, not dreading it. The jokes meant for the
kids fail on every level and there's nothing here for adults to positively take
in. Luckily there are other alternatives still in theaters for families to see
other than this tripe. At least Diamond and company didn't decide to put the
film in 3D, particularly with so many colorful objects being thrown towards
audiences. It definitely had the right components perfect for a 3D movie, but
2D in itself was difficult enough to consume.
"The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure"
needs to be avoided at all costs. If you're not closing your eyes or putting
your hands over your ears, you'll see an abundance of colors and shiny things
floating around. But that doesn't apologize for 90 minutes of lazy writing,
plotting and acting. Even films aimed a preschoolers don't deserve a pass for
poor filmmaking. Other studios reach that same demographic and come out with
some fine material. This, on the other hand, fails on all accounts.
GRADE: F (0/10)
This review is also available on Blu-Ray.com
No comments:
Post a Comment