Latest "Chainsaw" Slasher Forgets Its Terrorizing Past

Leatherface prepares for another round of killing in Texas Chainsaw 3D.

Four decades have been more than plenty to terrorize the citizens of Texas, but after going for an gratuitous seventh slaughter-fest, Leatherface needs to be put out to pasture. Technically, the chainsaw-wielding maniac should have hung up his mask and signature weapon a decade ago, perhaps even two. Texas Chainsaw 3D is proof that there are limits to how far a series can go, and now this cash-grab is by far the laziest tactic for prolonging it.

Texas Chainsaw 3D opens up by recapping the events of the original 1974 film. Executed as nothing more than a vague setup even for those familiar with Leatherface, the first few minutes preface the lack of directorial heart and cliché narrative expected to unravel over the following 90 minutes. This time around, Heather (Alexandra Daddario) and her stereotypical slasher tagalongs have business down in Texas over her inherited estate. For Heather, there's more than just an estate, but also her crazy cousin, Leatherface.

If that revelation alone isn't enough to send Texas Chainsaw 3D into a relentless downward spiral, there is not one scene in the entire film worthy of even a mediocre direct-to-TV slasher with the majority warranting uncontrollable giggles. Forget about plot. All Leatherface is capable of is taking out his trusty chainsaw just for the sake of killing. Even if the victim's not a threat, off goes a limb or a severed head with no solid reasoning. To make matters worse, Leatherface is the closest Texas Chainsaw 3D offers as a likeable character and he's a deranged murderer. This is just not the same Leatherface viewers feared the very sight of in 1974. Regrettably, that version's long gone.

Sex, drugs and gory demises have always been the three draws for slashers, and Texas Chainsaw 3D finds itself short in not just one of the categories, but all three. The result is a watered-down chapter that should be embarrassed to think of itself as part of Texas Chainsaw Massacre canon. About halfway through Texas Chainsaw 3D,  Leatherface disposes his chosen stereotypical victims too quickly, forcing the story to shift gears and conjure up another forty minutes of mindless murder on the fly.

At this point, the audience almost wishes they were one of Leatherface's victims rather than being tormented by abysmal shrieking and dismal narrative devices straight from "Slasher Movie-Making 101." There are only so many ways to run scared for your life and end up on the wrong side of a chainsaw or  meathook and these were certainly picked out of the reject hat.

There's very little for the actors to do that has any sort of significance of the plot. Even bringing in hip hop artist Trey Songz makes little sense beyond an attractive name on the billing. Aside from Songz and lead Alexandra Daddario as the two standouts, the rest of the cast is a running tally of names serving one purpose - satisfying (or more so unsatisfying) demises.

And Daddario herself is not a bad actress. In fact, she did fine as a demigod in 2010's Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, but a soulless project like Texas Chainsaw 3D polarizes her talents for the worst. She's just the run-of-the-mill sexed up female lead without any consequence whether or not she barely survives or meets her gory end. The fact that she has some relation to Leatherface poses the question if she's got the same crazy genes deep inside, but other than the monotonous characterizations, those are few scraps we're left with.

The worst atrocity committed by Texas Chainsaw 3D, however, is the 3D itself. Gimmicky as usual, the film's 3D dictates how many scenes are constructed, with weight-ignored chainsaws thrown towards the screen and blood squirting in every direction. 3D adds nothing to the film except trying to keep viewers mildly amused. What would be more amusing is a killing spree that had an ounce of substance rather than generic, tensionless pursuits.

Texas Chainsaw 3D is an underwhelming start to 2013, taking the worst ingredients of the slasher genre and resulting what's been a horrible joke. Putting the words Leatherface and utterly hysterical in the same sentence is a sad sign of how far this franchise has fallen from grace.

   

GRADE: D- (1/10)